i don't understand.

by - 09:22

Dearest of friends, I am feeling quite blue. Let me pose a question to any of you reading: Single or taken, married or not, do you have any very close friends of the opposite sex? If you do, how do you maintain that strictly platonic relationship without your partner or your friend's partner feeling awkward? If you don't, why not? Is it because you feel that it is no longer right to be close to someone who you aren't in a relationship with? I'm curious.

You see, I have always had male friends. And it is and has never been an issue with Ryan. Yet. A person who I valued as being very near and dear to me is now questioning whether or not he and I should remain as close as we are. And by "close", I mean, I look at him as a younger brother to me. Seriously. So why the sudden change of heart? Because he is getting married. Don't get me wrong--if someone makes your partner feel uncomfortable for whatever reason, then it is your duty to ensure that they don't ever feel that way. I completely understand that, especially if there was some sort of past history involved. But when there was absolutely no history (not now, not ever), then why should the friendship cease to exist?

All I can think is: what did I do wrong? Am I crazy to feel this way? Or do you understand where I'm coming from? I'd love to know your thoughts...



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  1. tanya, cute pic first of all! :) i really feel for you reading this post, because it's oh-so-tricky. i can't comment on whether his soon-to-be-wife should or shouldn't feel this way, (people have such different comfort levels with this sort of thing) but what is really sad is that you're losing a friend. poopy with a capital P!

    maybe she is threatened by you because you're, well, awesome? :)

    no but seriously, is she the one behind the decision or is he doing it for him? any chance you could talk to her about it?

  2. I know exactly what you're going through. I've got a few very, very close male friends, none of whom anything has ever happened with (or ever will). You didn't do anything wrong. Some women are just really uncomfortable with their significant others having close relationships with other women and are easily threatened. Yes, it sucks for you, but it especially sucks for your friend who probably feels even worse about this turn of events. Unfortunately there's not much that you can do about it, it's your friend's decision whether or not he'll stand up for your friendship... Sorry you have to go through this :-(

  3. Hi TFH,

    Hmmmm.... I've been here. And I have to say I understand both perspectives but my husband and I - out of simple protection for our marriage - have decided no one on one sharing with people of the opposite sex - at least not really intimate details, over dinner or coffee, alone. It's just too risky. There is always the risk, whether you feel it or not, that one person could develop an emotional attachment regardless of their level of attraction to the person. It might seem overprotective but in the world we're living in...and the high level of divorce rate...I'd rather be safe than sorry. plus, at the end of the day.... if someone feels uncomfortable with something regarding their spouse - it's best to probably respect that. It doesn't mean you can't be friends - you just can't put yourself in situations that might jeopardize the partner's comfort level.

  4. Anonymous2.3.10

    Oh dear. I really am not the person to ask since I'm so "je ne sais quoi" as it is about these things, but I offer my opinion anyway:

    I think it's stupid. Like you, I've always had more guy friends and virtually no girlfriends. And every now and then a guy friend of mine would get a girlfriend, and all of a sudden I wouldn't see said guy friend until they broke up, because she was 'nervous' about me. And since I've always had opposite-sex friends, I've been pretty comfortable about my boyfriends having girl friends. I suppose an expensive fancy dinner for two with your boyfriend/husband and one of his girl friends is a bit of an eye-raiser, but seriously? I cannot understand why meeting for drinks or coffee or informal lunch is such a huge deal for people. If you can't trust someone, then you're doomed for life. And if he/she does stray, then they weren't worth it. The end.

    Hehehe, I'm a no-billshit, drama free sort of girl :)

  5. Anonymous2.3.10

    billshit! hahaha, you know what i mean.

  6. if anything, i'd be kind of upset with HIM for not standing up for your friendship. everyone's relationship is different and, sadly, if she lacks the confidence to "allow" her partner to have friends of the opposite sex, well then... that's just kind of unfortunate for her. and if he's not willing to defend the harmless friendship he has with you, then maybe he's not such an amazing friend after all. i know that might be horrible to hear, but it's honestly how i feel.
    i've never been one for BOY friends, but pretty much all of joe's friends are girls. i KNOW my husband and I KNOW and TRUST that these relationships are innocent and harmless. i wouldn't have married him if there was even the slightest doubt in my mind. i see it as this... before we met, i was my own person and he was his own person. yes, there have been changes and sacrifices have been made, but i fell in love with him as the person he is and the life that he already had. it's not my place to MOLD him into a person that makes ME "comfortable" at all times. nor, is it his place to do so with me. if you're not already 100% organically secure with the person you're with... then you've probably got a major personal problem.

  7. Hey lady,

    It looks like your friends above have already given some well rounded and wise perspective. I just want to reiterate that's it's no fault of yours. I've lost many a male friend myself and it hurts every time (and continues to hurt). The only way I can console myself is in knowing that it wasn't my fault, and hoping that he and his partner are happy together and perhaps my absence helps them be happier.

    Sorry you have to go through this!

    Big hugs,


  8. C Griff2.3.10

    Hopefully my male identity won't get in the way of this comment's usefulness . . . . You definitely aren't crazy in feeling sad about what's happening between you and your friend. In fact, my sex unfortunately is known for maintaining frienships with women that verge on friendships+ to the detriment of their romantic relationships.

    While in committed relationships, I have maintained friendships with women, most healthy, some not so. The unhealthy ones involved situations where natural chemistry simply makes the friendship feel like it could lead to dating . . . if one or both of us were single.

    Your friend might harbor those feelings without your knowing it and feels both disloyal to you and his fiancee.

    My hope is that after the passage of some time, he will realize that he can maintain a close friendship with you without compromising the intimacy of his marriage.

  9. oh how I hope this changes....losing friends no matter the circumstances is so painful !
    I have a dear male friend and my hubby tolerates it, barely.....and it would break my heart if we were to never be friends again because of a women in his life....and yes, this friend does have a girlfriend and I know she barely tolerates me, even though I was in the picture first !

  10. Yes, everyone has given great advice here. I found in my experience on both ends, was to become friends with your friend's fiance. Break down the mythical wall and it might ease the imagination. Open up your brother/sister relationship to include her and it might not feel like a secret club that she isn't part of... I have gained some incredible girlfriends by overcoming my own jealousies, and these friendships have even outlasted the ex-boyfriends!
    Good luck honey!


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